A name, check.
End of first week of my project restart.
I am indebted to the inspiration of the month: videos on planning through a creative project by Elin Lööw, the webpages and book Growing Gills by Jessica Abel - those gave me confidence and clarity to begin to plan my way out of my fog, and I am forever indebted to Vin, for his unwavering belief and daily assurances and words of love and encouragement. and a small group of people I regularly update on my progress, Julie, Alice, Serene, Yan, Kris, Erman & Vanessa.
For the first time ever since working full time on this project, I can say I have earned this Friday. I finished 80% of the tasks I set myself. Yes, I'm being kind despite my inch-by-inch progression. But being kind is what works with me.
I feel like I finally have a name now. The Inner Workshop. This comes from the past two weeks of just plodding away at this, experiencing feelings of being out of place, being inauthentic, underqualified, too old, everything you can imagine. But it was different this time, because I have a plan. And having a plan gives me the security of just focusing on the task at hand, not the mad tangle of priorities, or fears, which reduces me to overwhelm and crippling doubt. it was like, hello feelings of inadequacy, hello shame, alright, I still gotta do what I gotta do, so, hang with me if you like, but I gotta keep going.
So this week I worked through the projects and processes to clarify the Name of the business, my PR angle, and took two masterclasses, and started to think about the creative process, and my own work rhythms. I know it won't always feel this way, but this is so refreshing, working on my own. But like Alice , my coach said, you can't fail when you're planning, and like Elin, (my youtube coach) said, there is something enjoyable at every stage, and as Marti (my teacher in consciousness) says, there is timing, we just have to follow the cycles.
My residual fear is my lack of knowledge. That I don’t know enough to initiate the work I want to do. I have developed this sophisticated spiteful Other in my head who makes me feel like a fraud, like an idiot, and I was stopping myself at every possible task. Awareness is important and I have ‘great noticing’, Alice reminds me.
I will use my strengths - writing, creativity and curiosity, to counter my weakness - knowledge and mastery. I know what People would think, and I know what my Tastemaker thinks too. I just have to put the work out there. I think I made my coach proud today. She told me I was a chrysalis just about to leave the cocoon, fussing too much about how to unfold my limbs when I wouldn’t be needing them.
